The Government Saves the Day

Come join the community today. The main characters on the Bench are Wade, the town journalist, Claudel, the town prankster, and Burl, the town philosopher. Wade keeps up with world happenings through his dial-up internet connection and Windows 98 computer. Claudel love to play pranks on anyone and everyone - especially Wade. Wade loves to thrash anyone who crosses him in the town newspaper, The Mountain Eagle News. He especially loves to excoriate Claudel. Burl dispenses downhome wisdom through the use of hillbilly parables.

Today we are examining how a possible government stimulus will affect the community of Blackfoot. Come join the conversation on Whittlers' Bench.

Delvin sauntered down the street, arms flopping side-to-side. His casual stride indicated he was not in a hurry to do anything, especially work.

Claudel asked Burl, "Will he ever get here? Seems like he can't walk ten feet without stopping."

Burl stretched his long arms across the back of the bench, careful not to drop his favorite whittlin' knife. "Delvin always has trouble passing up a chance for free money. He's checkin' the parking meters to see if he can get any quarters out of 'em."

Seeing a chance for another practical joke, Claudel pulled a quarter out of his pocket, tied some fishing twine around it, and placed it at the base of a parking meter.

As Delvin got closer Wade mopped his brow with his handkerchief. "Claudel, I wish you would grow up. That's not funny."

"Wade, just be quiet. This is gonna get a laugh."

Delvin took his time, checking every meter on the street. He finally grabbed the meter by the Whittlers' Bench, gave it a firm shake, and fell to his knees and found a shiny quarter setting next to the meter. "Hey, y'all see that? Charlett said I better not come home without any money. Woo-wee! Is she gonna be surprised when I bring home this quarter."

He reached for the shiny disk, but just as his fingers touched it, it slid just out of his reach. He reached again, but again it jumped. “Man, I’ve heard of fast money, but that’s the fastest I ever se’ed!” Seems like a man can’t make an honest livin’ cause money keeps slippin’ away.”

Claudel about fell off the bench laughing, holding his arms around his middle. “Hee, hee, hee! Delvin, you been had. That fast money came straight out of my pocket and that is where it is going back to."

Wade thrust his chin toward Claudel. “Claudel, you’re so crass. One day you are going to start actin’ your age and I can’t wait to be there. Delvin, Claudel was funnin’ you. That was his quarter and he wasn’t goin’ to let you have it. If you ask me….”

Wade’s correction was interrupted by a boisterous, shrill voice, “You boys are not goin’ to believe it. You’re not goin’ to believe it! Sally Sue just told me somethin’ that is goin’ to change all our lives.” Mary Jane Jones, the town gossip, was always busting apart with some news she just heard from someone. “You know how our town is about to fold up? You know how Cal thought he was goin’ to have to close his grocery store ‘cause of high prices and the hardware store was hurtin’ for business, and Sally Sue’s dress shop could hardly sell a thing? Well, our government is goin’ to help us. Sally Sue just told me the government is going to give us a thousand dollars each."

Not wanting to one-upped, Wade quickly interjected, “Yea, I saw something about that this morning.” Wade’s face glistened with perspiration. “I was reading a story about it, but my internet connection gave out.”

Claudel laid down his whittlin’ knife. “Well, if you ask me, the govinment never gave nobody nothin’. I would be wary about that Mary Jane.”

“Oh, you boys don’t know a good thing when you see it. It’s goin’ to be a free gift. We don’t have to ever pay it back and we don’t have to pay taxes on it. That ain’t bad, that’s good. I gotta’ run. I gotta go down to the beauty shop and tell the girls the good news. Sally Sue is goin’ to have a sale and we can all buy some new dresses. I wonder if she will let me charge it till the government money gets here?”

“Well, I can’t wait to get home.” Delvin had a huge smile on his face. “Sally Sue will be right proud of me. I can’t wait to tell her all I did was go down to the Whittlin’ Bench and I made me some money doin’ nothin’. She’s always sayin’ I gotta get out and work to get some money, but I showed her. All you gotta do is stand around and the goverment is gonna give it to you. See you boys!” Delvin sauntered off with a brighter walk, his arms flopping side-to-side.

Burl ran his whittlin’ knife over a piece of cedar he picked up that morning. “You know. One day I saw an old pig eatin’ out of a hog trough. He was the fattest pig you ever seen. I asked the old farmer how he got so fat. He sez, ‘Well, that old hog don’t know no better than to eat whatever I give him. Ever day all he ever does is stand around waitin’ on me to bring ‘em his food. He don’t know he’s about to get stuck, cured, and fried. So I keep feedin’ him and he keeps eatin’. He doesn’t know someday it’s gonna be payday for him.’ I think some folks are like that ole pig. They keep chompin away at whatever is throwed down at em’. They never think about what it’s gonna cost ‘em.”

Hunger pangs suddenly rattled Burl’s insides. “Speakin’ of pigs – anybody wanna go eat a hamburger with me?”

(Continued next time)