The Money is Going Where?

“Senator Marker announces Blackfork to receive $450 million from Stimulus Plan to study effect of blind cave catfish on quality of water supply and to develop blind cave catfish farming for the American consumer.” – Congressional news release.

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

Senator Marker plans to visit Blackfork to make his announcement concerning the $450 million that is about to be spent on the blind cave fish in surrounding caves. Unfortunately for him, one of the places he is planning to visit is the Whittlers’ Bench. Come join the fun.

Mayor Jenson proudly strolled down Main Street. His smile had never been bigger, even compared to the day he won his first election fifteen years earlier. Stopping each time he met someone, the mayor shook hands and slapped backs. Slowly but surely he made his way toward the Whittlers’ Bench.

“Wade, this looks like your chance for a big story. It ain’t ever day the mayor comes out of his office and walks down the streets. Seems like the only time he does is when it is election time, and elections are eighteen months off.”

Reaching into his pocket to retrieve his notebook, Wade prepared for the arrival of the mayor. “Now Claudel, it is time you put your nice face on. The mayor doesn’t come visit us much, but when he does, you know it is something important he wants to discuss.”

“Mr. Freeman, Mr. Johnson, Mr. Baker! It is good to see you men enjoying such a fine, sunshiny day. What a good day to be out enjoying our fine community.” Mayor Jenson puffed out his chest with mayoral pride. “I guess you’ve heard the news.”

“Mr. Mayor, we’ve been sittin’ here mindin’ our own business all mornin’. I don’t know how we coulda heard any important news like the news you hear.” Claudel couldn’t refrain from a little snicker.

Clearing his throat and throwing his out his chest, the mayor said with significant pride, “My office has just learned that Senator Marker will be visiting our community tomorrow. He will be making a very important announcement. I wanted to tell you boys first, especially you, Wade, since you need to write an article for the Eagle News.”

“You know, Mr. Mayor, I remember when Mike Marker used to run around these streets. I also remember how many times he was caught stealin’ stuff out of Leon’s grocery store. Things shore ain’t changed that much.” Burl didn’t even look at the mayor as he continued to whittle his block of pine.

“There’s one other reason I’m telling you boys first. Would you mind behaving this time?”

Friday morning burst bright and sunny. Blackfork had several out-of-town visitors in honor of the senator’s announcement. Press from Little Rock, Washington, D.C., New York, and other major outlets all arrived in a retinue with the senator not far behind. Television cameras were already stationed at the base of the courthouse steps.

Driving down Church Street, Senator Marker sat in a 1966 Mustang convertible he had borrowed from the local car collector, Willifred Hodges. Willifred loved to drive his cars in local parades. His Mustang had even been driven in the Cotton Bowl Parade in Dallas. People lined the streets to gawk at the local boy who made it big.

As Senator Marker climbed out of the Mustang, the crowds politely applauded. He promptly moved to the microphone and began a forty-five minute speech extolling the virtues of his favorite city, Blackfork, and how the city would soon become the biggest boom town in America due to the President’s stimulus plan and the senator’s foresight to get money added to the plan for Blackfork.

After he finished his lengthy speech, the senator moved down Main Street, kissing babies and shaking hands with the crowd. The closer he got to Main and 4^th Street the more his eyes fixed on the Whittlers’ Bench. Wade, Claudel, and Burl had not moved an inch during all the festivities—except for whittlin’, of course.

Senator Marker worked his way to the Bench. “Boys, I’m glad to see you again. I remember all the fine things you did for me when I was growing up in this fair city.”

“Mike, I also remember some of the stuff you did when you was a boy in these parts.”

“Uh, yea, but that was a long time ago. I’m here to tell you boys about something, so you can get in on the ground floor. There is going to be some research teams that are going to hit town pretty soon. Then right behind them will be some people that are going to establish catfish farms in all these caves. I thought maybe since you boys are so well respected in town that you could spearhead a reception campaign for our out-of-town guests. Then you could also get in on the catfish farming and make a fortune. It will require a little capital up front, but the rewards will be beyond anything you could imagine.

A smile crawled across Wade’s face. This is the moment for which he had waited. “Senator Marker, the mayor told us you were going to be in town today, so Claudel, Burl, and I did a little talkin’. After our talk I went up to the courthouse and did a little research. Do you know what I found? Just two months ago, just about the time you were makin’ your Stimulus Pork Plan, I found you bought thousands of acres all over this county. Now the funny thing is that caves are all over that property you bought. Then I found the day the President signed the Stimulus Plan you sold all that land.”

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. I want to spread the opportunity around to others. Why, I knew that land from the time I was a boy playing around in those caves. And, I also knew that if I didn’t buy that land, there would be someone else who would come in here and take advantage of you fine folks.”

“There’s one other thing I found, Senator. When you bought that land you paid $2,000 an acre. Just two months later you sold that land to the federal government. They paid $100,000 an acre. That’s pretty good profit for two months.”

“Yes, well now. You just don’t understand how the government works. I need to go, boys. It is awful good seeing you again.” Senator Marker moved away from the Whittlers’ Bench as fast as he could refusing to look back.

Burl glanced at Wade. “You got your article written yet?”

“Yep. As a matter-of-fact, I’ve already shown it to one of those fellers from the New York Times that came into town this morning. He took a look at it but said that weren’t newsworthy because that stuff happens all the time in Washington.”

Burl threw his block of wood down in disgust. “My pappy used to say that when chickens come home to roost, they better have a place to land or they will be in deep trouble. Ole Mikey Marker may be livin’ it up in Washington now, but he shore better not try to land around here.”

The Government Saves the Day - Part 4

Welcome back to the Whittlers’ Bench.

Things are getting tense for Sally Sue. The economy is beginning to work on her business. Join the community and see what happens.

“Leon, I gotta have that credit. I am desperate. I don’t know how my business is going to stay afloat unless I have some capital to tide me over until I get that stimulus check!”

Sally Sue confronted Leon in the hallway at church on Sunday morning. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Her loud voice reverberated down the hallway and into the worship center. Stares indicated they were not the only ones involved in the conversation.

“Sally Sue, I am struggling, too. People have cut back on their grocery buying, and now that you had that big sale, people took money they needed for groceries and bought dresses. I can’t extend credit because I don’t have any extra myself, and my wife said I needed to keep my head above water.”

“I want you to know that you aren’t the only grocery store around. People may have to drive fifteen miles to shop at Mountain Springs, but I’m tellin’ all my ladies that you aren’t interested in helpin’ our community, so they might take their business somewhere else.”

“Sally Sue, that is downright mean.”

Monday dawned bright and beautiful. Nine o’clock found Claudel and Burl on the Whittlers’ Bench enjoying an early spring day and engaging in a serious conversation about the growing conflict in town.

“I don’t know, Burl. We seen a lot of controversy in this town, but I don’t know I ever seen it where all the men are on one side and women are on the other. As soon as everyone heard we were gettin’ five thousand dollars apiece, all the men wanted to buy bass boats, and the women wanted to buy dresses. It’s like they lost all sensibilities.”

“I reckon I know what you mean. One time I got in the middle of a dog fight. Them dogs were all playin’ around with one another. You’d a thought they were all best buds. Then all of a sudden one of ‘em didn’t like something,’ and they launched into one of the biggest fights I ever seen in my life. I stepped right into the middle of it and tried to break it up. I learned somethin’ that day. You better be careful pickin’ the fights you’re gonna be involved in, or you’ll get your hand bit off.”

Wade had a handkerchief in each hand. He wiped his forehead with one and then wiped his neck with the other. Through the years the Whittler’s Bench had many different men sit down on it, but never had anyone plopped down as hard as Wade Freeman did that day.

“Wade, you look like you been out balin’ hay in 100 degree weather. What’s goin’ on?”

“It’s my wife. Ever since she come home from church Sunday she has been a living nightmare. She said I never give her any money to spend. She says my newspaper means more to me than she does. I don’t know what happened. All of a sudden money has become the main topic of conversation around our house and she says she wants her fair share.”

Claudel rested his hand on Wade’s shoulder. “I think our wives must be plottin’ with one another. That sounds just like the conversation around our house.”

Burl stared at far off at distant Blow Out Mountain. “Men, if somethin’ smells fishy, then it means someone is puttin’ out some bait, caught somethin’, then walked off, and left it to stink. I think we need to get to the bottom of this.”

Wade reached into his pocket and pulled out a fresh handkerchief. “I’m not believin’ my eyes.”

“What is it?”

“Look down 4^th Street comin’ this way.”

Marching in syncopated stride as though a drummer were keeping time, four women marched together, their eyes fixed on the Whittlers’ Bench.

“We’re here to deliver an ultimatum. One of our sisters is hurtin’ and we want something done about it.”

“What are you women talkin’ about?”

“It’s Sally Sue. She’s about to lose her business, and unless we all pitch in, and lend her some money she’s gonna go under.”

Wade stared at the four women, of which one was his wife, and blurted, “What makes you think we ought to give Sally Sue one penny? I can’t remember a time she ever helped one of us. As a matter-of-fact, I can’t remember a time Sally Sue ever helped anybody but herself.”

Mary Jane huffed and puffed. Throwing her nose into the air, she blubbered, “How can you talk that way about one of my best friends? She helps us all by keepin’ us in the latest fashions. Those women over in Mountain View don’t have nothin’ on us.”

Claudel stared at the ground for the longest. Lifting his eyes he Leonmly said, “Now let me get this straight. This woman who does nothin’ to help nobody wants somebody to help her. She went out and spent a bunch of money she didn’t have, made promises she couldn’t keep, and now she wants us to pay for her mistakes?”

“Well, it’s the neighborly thing to do!”

Tensions were getting hotter and hotter. Burl interrupted, “My pappy had a neighbor one time who was always gettin’ in trouble. He over-fertilized his crops, so they burned up. He didn’t tie his mule, so he ran off. Everthing that man did got him into trouble. His family was always without food, so pappy always gave him some of ours. One day my pappy had enough. It waddn’t doin’ that man any good for my pappy to always be balin’ him out. He went over to his neighbor and told him, he was goin’ to help him with his crops. He took that whole year and taught that man how to be a farmer. That was all that man needed. He just didn’t know how to be a farmer.”

“I don’t think we ought to bale Sally Sue out. I think we ought to teach her how to get out herself.”

(Continued next time)

The Government Saves the Day - Part 3

Welcome back to the Whittlers’ Bench.

Sally Sue’s business is booming. The Stimulus Sale is going full guns. With such a bright horizon, can anything dark happen in Blackfork? Join the community and see what happens.

“I called Wade’s wife last night.”

Burl’s sharp knife took a long stroke down the soft block of fir. “I thought she never wanted to talk to you. Last I heard, she thought your jokes on Wade were cruel and unusual punishment.”

“When I told her what I heard, all hatchets were buried.”

“What was so great that it would change her so?”

“I told her I just come from Sally Sue’s dress shop, and Sally Sue was havin’ a Stimulus Sale. I told her if she bought a hunnerd dollars of clothes she might have a chance to win a year of groceries. She couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. She thanked me profusely and said she had to go find her checkbook. She’d never known Sally Sue to have a sale and she wasn’t going to miss it.”

“What do you think Wade will have to say about that? You know what a tightwad he is.”

“I don’t know, but I’m expectin’ an article about me in the Eagle, and it sure beat the time I tied his bumper to the bumper of the deputy’s car just before he was about to chase that feller that run the stop sign down on Cedar Street.”

Wade walked around the corner. As he mopped his brow with his handkerchief, he plopped onto the Whittlers’ Bench. “Claudel, I ought to form a lynchin’ mob right here, right now!”

“Why Wade? What did I do to upset you so? I didn’t do nothing to you.”

“Didn’t do anything to me! You just about bankrupted me! You told my wife about Sally Sue’s sale. Do you know what she did? She went into her closet this morning, took everything out, and said she was gonna save us money on our taxes. Then she went down to the Salvation Army and donated every stitch of clothes she owns. Then she went down to Sally Sue’s and wrote a check for six thousand dollars of clothes!”

“Six thousand dollars? I didn’t know a woman could wear that many clothes.”

“When she got home, she had the neighbor kids haul all that stuff into the house. When I asked her how we could pay for it all, she said Sally Sue told her the government was going to give us ten thousand dollars. So she saved us four thousand, because she didn’t spend it all, plus she got us a tax write-off by donatin’ all those old clothes!”

“Burl, this is becoming an epidemic.”

“Yep!”

Claudel looked down Main Street. “Here comes Leon. He looks like he just lost his best friend. There must be a sickness going around among the men in this town.”

“Leon, sit down. You look like you just lost your best friend. What’s goin’ on.”

“Guys, you are not going to believe what just happened to me. Sally Sue Smith came into my store this morning. She was in a real dither. She said she had talked to Banker Barlow about a loan, but he said money was real tight and he couldn’t lend any right now. Then she come to my grocery store and said she had to have help.”

Wade put his handkerchief into pocket. “Leon, I didn’t know you loaned money? Is that a sideline out of the grocery business?”

“No, no. It’s not that. Sally Sue said she was stuck with a problem. You know how she owed all her creditors ‘cause she couldn’t sell any dresses? Well, she had that big sale of hers, and she used that money to pay her creditors. She also promised every woman in town that she would give someone a year of groceries if they bought her dresses. The problem is she don’t have enough money left to pay for the groceries she promised.”

Burl looked perplexed. “Leon, I don’t see how that’s yore problem. Sally Sue is the one who promised more than she could deliver. I think she shoulda chewed on that cud a long time before she had her sale.”

“Here is what happened. She came into my store and asked if she could have a private conference with me. So we go back into my little office and she asks me if I could float her a loan on groceries until her stimulus check comes in. When I asked her what stimulus check she was talkin’ about, she told me about the five thousand dollars the government was sending out.”

“Now Leon,” Wade interrupted, “You better be careful. I’m not so sure about that stimulus check.”

“I know, but seems like Banker Barlow would have said something about it if it weren’t true.”

“What kind of money is Sally Sue talkin’ about?”

“That’s what I wanted to know. She said it would be for enough groceries for a year. It would be about a hunnerd dollars a week for fifty-two weeks. So, she was wantin’ me to charge about a half-year of groceries. She thinks that will give her time to restock her store and get her stimulus check. I don’t feel so good about this.”

Burl kicked some of the fir shavings with his foot. “Well, my pappy used to git all over me when I’d bring home some of my friends’ toys. He’d ask me where I got ‘em, and I’d explain that my friend loaned ‘em to me till I could trade him some marbles he wanted.”

A little smile crept across his face. “I still remember my pappy grabbin’ me by the ear and marchin’ me back to my bedroom. He’d say, ‘Young man, you git that stuff back to yore friend’s house right now. You ain’t gonna bring nothin’ home that you ain’t paid for with your own money. We’re not gonna git into this loanin’ business. If you can’t afford it, don’t git it!’”

“Thanks guys! I needed that. I’m goin’ to tell Sally Sue right now that I can’t do what she wants.” Leon stood bravely from the bench, turned his face toward the dress shop, and marched double time toward Sally Sue.

Burl laid his whittlin’ knife down on the bench. “Fellers, I think we need to pray for Leon. I think he’s about to run into a hornet’s nest.”

The Government Saves the Day - Part 2

Welcome back to the Whittlers’ Bench.

The government stimulus is really taking effect in Blackfoot. Let's look in on Sally Sue's dress shop to see how the stimulus is turning everything around.

Sally Sue threw open the door, “It’s too good to be true!” Mary Jane was two steps away from the store entrance and was bowled over by the sudden outburst of Sally Sue. “Mary Jane, it’s better than we thought. I heard we were going to get a thousand dollars from the government. Sit down, sit down!”

“Sally Sue, I have never seen you so worked up in all my life. What in the world is going on?”

Sally Sue’s face turned a deep shade of red as she breathlessly said, “It’s the government. It is a lot better than we heard. You know how word came that we were going to get a thousand dollars? Well, this morning one of my sweater vendors told me he heard from one of his customers in Mountain View that we were going to get $5,000, and it is going to be $5,000 each. Can you believe it?”

“That is too good to be true. Are you sure?”

“Sure it’s true!” Sally Sue sat down at her large oak desk. Her grandfather built it during the Great Depression, and every time one of the grandkids came over, he took them to the desk and told them how bad the Depression was.

“How do we know we can trust this lady in Mountain View?”

“It’s her cousin. She is lives in Washington, D.C. She was having lunch with a friend of the President’s personal maid. She said she heard the President talking about 5K instead of 1K.”

Mary Jane grew very pensive. She began to calculate how much money she would receive. “Sally Sue, if we all get five thousand dollars, that means since I have six kids and a husband, then we will receive forty thousand dollars. That is too good to be true. I gotta go home and tell the family.”

Mary Jane started back down Main Street as fast as her 180 pound frame could carry her. Her thrift store beads rattled side-to-side as she scuttled down the street. Wade, Claudel, and Burl were still sitting on the Whittlers’ Bench slowly shaving their wood blocks. Claudel was the first to see the startled expression on Mary Jane’s face. “Mary Jane, you look like you just saw a ghost. What in the world caused your face to turn so white?”

“Can I believe what I am hearing? Our town’s leading citizens have not heard that the government is going to give us five thousand dollars each? That means here in a few weeks my family is going to get forty thousand dollars!”

“Mary Jane, what in the world are you talking about? I watch the news very closely, and I haven’t seen anything about that? Why, this morning I was looking at an article on what the President was saying about helping us and I didn’t see that – at least until my internet connection played out.” Wade looked glum.

“Wade Freeman! What you know could fit in the head of a thimble. Sally Sue has folks through her store all the time that travel the world. They stay up on stuff, and I have no reason not to believe her!” Flipping her hair, Mary Jane resumed her fast-paced waddle down Main Street.

With an empty hamburger wrapper in one hand and an oversized RC Cola in the other, Burl took one more quick slurp. “Seems to me folks ought to be quicker checkin’ their facts than they are spendin’ what they don’t have. I think I will wander down and see what’s happenin’ in Sally Sue’s dress shop.”

“Hold on. I’m goin’ with you.”

Wade shook his head as Claudel and Burl made their way down the street. “I think I better go check out this government deal. If Sally Sue is right, I need to write a banner article for tomorrow’s paper,” Wade mumbled to himself.

“Git outta the way. I was here first.”

“No you weren’t. Besides that, Sally Sue said I could have that yesterday.”

“Well, you already got five dresses in your hand. How many closets do you have?”

Burl and Claudel thought they had just entered the opening battle of World War III. “Ladies, what’s goin’ on in here? Ain’t you got no Christian couth?”

Widow Williams gave Claudel a big shove, “You men ain’t allowed in here. Sally Sue is havin’ a Stimulus Sale. If we buy three dresses, she’s gonna give us a chance to win a year’s supply of groceries. Now you git back out on that sidewalk where men belong.”

Burl and Claudel felt they just walked into a buzz saw. Claudel looked at Widow Williams. “Burl, I do declare that I didn’t think Widow Williams had enough money to buy milk and bread. How is she payin’ for all those dresses she’s carryin’?”

“I don’t know, but I smell somethin’ fishy.”

Just about that time, Mary Jane Jones waddled back down the sidewalk.

“Mary Jane, are you goin’ in there?”

“You better believe it! I’m gonna get me some dresses and a chance to win some groceries at the same time. This is the first time I been able to afford a dress since 1995.”

“Well, how are you gonna pay for all those dresses? Ain’t that kind of like buyin’ a thoroughbred when you can’t afford to build a barn?”

“You men don’t know nothin’. Sally Sue is givin’ everyone Stimulus Credit.”

“Stimulus Credit? What’s that?”

“She said if we would spend at least a hunnerd dollars in her store, then we could charge as much as we want.”

“Well, how you gonna pay that hunnerd dollars back?”

“You men don’t know nothing about high finance. She said we could pay off our credit as soon as our stimulus checks come in. That’s why she’s callin’ it Stimulus Credit. When my Stimulus check comes, I am gonna be flyin’ high. Forty thousand dollars! Do you know how many dresses that will buy?”

(Continued next time.)

The Government Saves the Day

Come join the community today. The main characters on the Bench are Wade, the town journalist, Claudel, the town prankster, and Burl, the town philosopher. Wade keeps up with world happenings through his dial-up internet connection and Windows 98 computer. Claudel love to play pranks on anyone and everyone - especially Wade. Wade loves to thrash anyone who crosses him in the town newspaper, The Mountain Eagle News. He especially loves to excoriate Claudel. Burl dispenses downhome wisdom through the use of hillbilly parables.

Today we are examining how a possible government stimulus will affect the community of Blackfoot. Come join the conversation on Whittlers' Bench.

Delvin sauntered down the street, arms flopping side-to-side. His casual stride indicated he was not in a hurry to do anything, especially work.

Claudel asked Burl, "Will he ever get here? Seems like he can't walk ten feet without stopping."

Burl stretched his long arms across the back of the bench, careful not to drop his favorite whittlin' knife. "Delvin always has trouble passing up a chance for free money. He's checkin' the parking meters to see if he can get any quarters out of 'em."

Seeing a chance for another practical joke, Claudel pulled a quarter out of his pocket, tied some fishing twine around it, and placed it at the base of a parking meter.

As Delvin got closer Wade mopped his brow with his handkerchief. "Claudel, I wish you would grow up. That's not funny."

"Wade, just be quiet. This is gonna get a laugh."

Delvin took his time, checking every meter on the street. He finally grabbed the meter by the Whittlers' Bench, gave it a firm shake, and fell to his knees and found a shiny quarter setting next to the meter. "Hey, y'all see that? Charlett said I better not come home without any money. Woo-wee! Is she gonna be surprised when I bring home this quarter."

He reached for the shiny disk, but just as his fingers touched it, it slid just out of his reach. He reached again, but again it jumped. “Man, I’ve heard of fast money, but that’s the fastest I ever se’ed!” Seems like a man can’t make an honest livin’ cause money keeps slippin’ away.”

Claudel about fell off the bench laughing, holding his arms around his middle. “Hee, hee, hee! Delvin, you been had. That fast money came straight out of my pocket and that is where it is going back to."

Wade thrust his chin toward Claudel. “Claudel, you’re so crass. One day you are going to start actin’ your age and I can’t wait to be there. Delvin, Claudel was funnin’ you. That was his quarter and he wasn’t goin’ to let you have it. If you ask me….”

Wade’s correction was interrupted by a boisterous, shrill voice, “You boys are not goin’ to believe it. You’re not goin’ to believe it! Sally Sue just told me somethin’ that is goin’ to change all our lives.” Mary Jane Jones, the town gossip, was always busting apart with some news she just heard from someone. “You know how our town is about to fold up? You know how Cal thought he was goin’ to have to close his grocery store ‘cause of high prices and the hardware store was hurtin’ for business, and Sally Sue’s dress shop could hardly sell a thing? Well, our government is goin’ to help us. Sally Sue just told me the government is going to give us a thousand dollars each."

Not wanting to one-upped, Wade quickly interjected, “Yea, I saw something about that this morning.” Wade’s face glistened with perspiration. “I was reading a story about it, but my internet connection gave out.”

Claudel laid down his whittlin’ knife. “Well, if you ask me, the govinment never gave nobody nothin’. I would be wary about that Mary Jane.”

“Oh, you boys don’t know a good thing when you see it. It’s goin’ to be a free gift. We don’t have to ever pay it back and we don’t have to pay taxes on it. That ain’t bad, that’s good. I gotta’ run. I gotta go down to the beauty shop and tell the girls the good news. Sally Sue is goin’ to have a sale and we can all buy some new dresses. I wonder if she will let me charge it till the government money gets here?”

“Well, I can’t wait to get home.” Delvin had a huge smile on his face. “Sally Sue will be right proud of me. I can’t wait to tell her all I did was go down to the Whittlin’ Bench and I made me some money doin’ nothin’. She’s always sayin’ I gotta get out and work to get some money, but I showed her. All you gotta do is stand around and the goverment is gonna give it to you. See you boys!” Delvin sauntered off with a brighter walk, his arms flopping side-to-side.

Burl ran his whittlin’ knife over a piece of cedar he picked up that morning. “You know. One day I saw an old pig eatin’ out of a hog trough. He was the fattest pig you ever seen. I asked the old farmer how he got so fat. He sez, ‘Well, that old hog don’t know no better than to eat whatever I give him. Ever day all he ever does is stand around waitin’ on me to bring ‘em his food. He don’t know he’s about to get stuck, cured, and fried. So I keep feedin’ him and he keeps eatin’. He doesn’t know someday it’s gonna be payday for him.’ I think some folks are like that ole pig. They keep chompin away at whatever is throwed down at em’. They never think about what it’s gonna cost ‘em.”

Hunger pangs suddenly rattled Burl’s insides. “Speakin’ of pigs – anybody wanna go eat a hamburger with me?”

(Continued next time)